God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
