It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
