The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We just shotgunned beers for America
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
