He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
