You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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