Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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