So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
