i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
