Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
