jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Houston, we have a squirter
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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