i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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