we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
