I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Randomize
