Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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