She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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