my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
