Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
