someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
