first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
