What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
