And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
