my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im part way to drunk.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
