just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
