please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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