Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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