getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
