she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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