Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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