You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
