so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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