glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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