I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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