I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
