The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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