guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
