Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
