I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Randomize
