I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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