Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
