How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
A+ Viking dick
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
