dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
