Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
