my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
