She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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