There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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