so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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