So drunk its hurt
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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