why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
