wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
