If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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